I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
