Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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