Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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