Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
