Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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