I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
