Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
