he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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