Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
