I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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