i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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