my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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