You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
