When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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