just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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