just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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