Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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