So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
only you would photoshop your dick
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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