He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
