When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
