I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
