70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
