im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
