just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
