i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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