If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
