oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
