Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
