Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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