I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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