Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
