last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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