he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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