Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
