There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
areolas are like halos for boobs.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
