You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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