tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
