Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
