wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
