I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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