you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
