never play flip cup with pint glasses
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
