after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
