I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
we made out on top of his cat.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
