why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
