I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
