The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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