I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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