Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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