There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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