If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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