I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
